Life isn't always spring and summer
Forgiveness is supposed to be amnesty
[Alt text: An East Asian in her early 20s looking directly into the camera. She has dark, straight, shoulder length hair and a light complexion. She is wearing black, mesh clothing.]
I believe respect should be given freely but forgiveness should be earned. I harbor more faith in ‘feel better first, forgive later’ than ‘forgive first, feel better later’. I refuse to equate withholding forgiveness to holding a grudge. I have mental fortitude so when someone says something distasteful to me, I choose to not let it get to my head and move on with my life. If I internalized every negative interaction, I would never attempt anything new. I believe in human goodness but I can’t wait for every disrespectful person to have a change of heart.
People who hold grudges believe they’re owed something. I am owed kindness like every other human being, but I can’t live in the past no matter how right I was and wrong someone else was. I believe in having integrity simply because it’s the right thing. Being “kind” until you gain symbolic or fiscal capital is not kindness to me. Those with integrity have consistent character; having core values is the difference between having a sturdy foundation and a fragile foundation.
Not deciding what your core values are is a disservice to yourself. One of my central beliefs is that I am the only person I can always rely on. That may sound depressing to you but to me, I’m assured that I have what I need to traverse through life. Life isn’t always spring and summer but my bedrock can’t be taken away from me. I cannot expect to have solid relationships with others if I don’t have a solid relationship with myself.
It seems everyone was indoctrinated from birth to neglect their own emotions. No person will bear every human experience but every person is born with the same set of emotions. Emotions help us connect with each other. Sad songs are powerful because millions will recall different memories when listening to said song…but everyone who resonates with the song are in tune with the sadness interwoven throughout the song.
I resonate with the song “Ice Cream Man.” by RAYE. It’s about being sexually assaulted numerous times throughout life by numerous people. It’s about not knowing about consent until adulthood. It’s about a woman reclaiming her power through art. The song does not pressure me into forgiving abusers for forgiveness sake. While I can’t relate to being sexually harassed by a music producer, I can relate to being harassed by various men I’ve met through cuddle websites. The song empowers me–and not in the way that stories written by men imply that girls must be sexually assaulted in order to become a woman. Yes, I’m a woman by virtue of me being an adult. But I am a woman also because I care to understand what others are going through. I am a woman because I respect the hard work it takes to overcome gargantuan obstacles. I am a woman because no matter how much capitalism tries to strip joys from my life, I will always make time for art. We all need gentle and not-so-gentle reminders to be nice to others.
I used to make excuses for others no matter how rude they were to me. I believed if I loved a harmful person enough, I could “cure” them. In retrospect, it was a form of self-abuse when I prioritized a person who didn’t want to change over myself who needed to change my inner circle. “Saving” people was never worth it and now I’m an adult with disorganized attachment. I’ve had that attachment style long before I first heard of attachment theory. I don’t save people anymore and I say that with pride.
Life is too short to spend it pitying oneself. Self-pity is not a healing modality. I refuse to blame myself for every bad little thing. If someone is rude to me, that’s a reflection of their character. I became firm with my boundaries once I stopped assuming I had to fix everything. I like to think that if violence can be contagious, so can inner strength. I simultaneously believe that vulnerability can be a strength and that no one should be “strong” 24/7.
Being vulnerable makes room for meaningful relationships. I would not be the successful professional cuddler I am today if I wasn’t intimate and vulnerable with my clients. Sure, the act of cuddling strangers requires physical closeness but the most intimate part of my job is the deep conversations. I doubt I would’ve ever met any of my clients outside of my job, but I still speak to every single one of them like a friend I’ve had for years.
I do my best to console professional cuddlers who have had more negative experiences at work than positive ones. I came across a cuddle provider denying the realness of my occupation due to her unaffirming encounters. I appreciate the practitioner trusting that they could be candid with me but I suppose they were expecting pity. Compassion reaches farther distances than pity. I don’t believe that person is inferior to me despite them denouncing my line of work. I will treat them as my equal regardless because that reflects my fundamental values.
The only people who will change are the individuals who want to change. As romantic as it sounds to be a catalyst for somebody, I do not expect to catalyze anyone’s journeys. I will give others space to consider what I have to say, what they do with that information is entirely up to them. If someone chooses not to listen to me, I will survive. I’m wishing all the best for every reader of mine. I wish nothing but the best for every listener for my podcast. I especially hope my supporters on patreon have the merriest of holidays. Thank you to everybody who follows me on substack and medium. Happy holidays everyone and to all a good night.
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